Dan's Funnies

Sounds like a good job to me!

2007-07-02T14:34:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into the local Welfare Office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

I Love Me Some Shirley Q!

2007-01-21T14:54:00.001-08:00

Best Bumper Stickers of 2006

2007-01-20T07:07:00.000-08:00

1/20/09: End of an Error
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Whose God Do You Kill For?
Jail to the Chief
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
Impeach Cheney First
When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
Pray For Impeachment
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
One Nation Under Clod
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned
W: He is Smarter than Paris Hilton

The Morning

2007-01-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head.
I'm not a morning person.

What is a cat?

2007-01-20T06:57:00.000-08:00

1. They do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

Which Barbie is Best?

2007-01-20T06:55:00.000-08:00

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall, ran into the toy store and asked the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she replied, "Which Barbie?"
She continued, "We have ...
Barbie goes to the Gym for $19.95,
Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie goes Shopping for $19.95,
Barbie goes to the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $255.95".

Ralph asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $255.95 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious", the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture".

A Week In Hell

2007-01-20T06:53:00.000-08:00

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fuckin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus

2007-01-20T06:51:00.000-08:00

10 If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
9 You can prove you have a beer.
8 There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
7 You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
6 Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.
5 When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
4 They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
3 Beer has never caused a major war.
2 Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
1 No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

Airport Pranks

2007-01-20T06:48:00.000-08:00

Read and listen to the recordings below.

Airport administration was asked to make public announcements calling for passengers. Of course the passengers didn't exist, and their names (when written) were foreign looking, but when pronounced translated into something else entirely!

This is the story as told by the pranksters.

"We'd go and sit on the balcony at Terminal 3 at Heathrow, directly under one of the speakers where the roof is low for maximum acoustic effects. We put a tape recorder in our bag with the microphone poking out of the top. We'd look for a flight that'd arrived in the last 40 minutes from somewhere where you'd expect foreign names, then write a letter saying, ' Pick up passenger so and so, from flight etc, destination etc.' That way, it looked like the limo had been arranged in advance as the flight arrival details and the motel name was written on the note. We wore an ID-style badge and carried a mobile so that we looked like limo drivers. One of us would ask airport administration to make an announcement calling for our customer and then the other did the second. We'd pretend to be unable to pronounce it and then hand them the bit of paper with the name written on it to administration. Long winded, but well worth it!

' We got rumbled doing the 'My colleague just, etc'. They actually threatened to arrest us as apparently they'd actually had complaints over the previous weeks! We were toying with doing it again just to see what they'd arrest us for, but we decided to go to Gatwick airport. This is the reason the last one sounds so crap 'cos Gatwick is a much noisier place and the ceilings are high, and it was difficult to get near a speaker. The lengths we had to go to... '

Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed
I hate this fucking job, and I will be fired

Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie
I've just been fired, and bye-bye everybody

Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest
I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed

Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet
Oo-ah, that 's better and now I need a shit

Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted
My colleague just farted, and left the room, the bastard

Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee
Still, I got my own back and took a piss in his tea

Men vs. Women at the ATM Machine

2007-01-20T06:39:00.000-08:00

HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake